Brave new word discovered!
A new word was discovered yesterday in the unlikeliest of places - the back-yard of a retired maths teacher!
Mr Longjohn, from West Yorkshire, tells us he was engaging in his favourite hobby - arranging his empty plant pots into the shape of pig-meat products - in this case a giant Cumberland sausage, when he noticed the word cowering inside his favourite empty pot.
"At first I thought it was a nice, tasty rasher of bacon," recalled Mr Longjohn, a keen pig-meat enthusiast, "but it tasted funny so I spat it out."
Mr Longjohn, being of unsound mind, kept the word in a hutch, called it Harry and made it dance for him. Luckily the word was saved from a bleak future of crude modern dance interpretations and pork leftovers when Mr Longjohn's son, Mr Longjohn, discovered his father's discovery; and being of sound mind, he excitedly informed the government's new words department, the aptly named New Words Department, and the proverbial ball was now rolling.
Mr Longjohn's son Mr Longjohn explained: "This is a great discovery and should be shared with the world." Mr Longjohn's father Mr Longjohn proudly agreed: "My son is right - this is a great discovery and should be shared with the world."
The official unveiling ceremony will be held in London's Grosvenor Hotel and will be hosted by special celebrity guest and wordsmith Peter Andre. Mr Longjohn will have the proud honour of being the first to utter the new word at the ceremony whilst standing next to Mr Andre.
Mr Longjohn tells us he has been eager to use the new word but must wait due to strict government laws preventing premature use of the word. A spokesperson from the New Words Department advised: "Do not underestimate the nature of this situation - the word must be released into society in a controlled manner to ensure public safety. Any deviation from the prescribed path may result in the total annihilation of all life forms on this planet. However, I stress the word 'may' in this instance."
We have acquired an exclusive photo, from a reliable source, of Peter Andre congratulating a proud Mr Longjohn on his discovery, taken at the unveiling ceremony to be held next month. For your benefit, this photo has been passed through our Fake Photo Detection software used by our highly trained staff, as you can't be too careful these days. But fear not, it has been proved, beyond doubt, to be a hundred-percent genuine, which you can see for yourself. More exclusive, hundred-percent genuine photos of next months unveiling ceremony coming soon - featuring famous faces such as David Beckham, Sir Alan Sugar and the late Mahatma Ghandi deep in conversation with Peter Andre.
Word fan Mr Andre is also looking forward to using the new word to boost his already bursting vocabulary. Mr Andre, famous throughout the world after marrying two giant breasts, wisely commented: "Words are great." We look forward to Peter Andre using the new word in a slightly longer sentence.
Mr Longjohn, now somewhat of a celebrity in his hometown, has been inspired by his experience to write a novel and is planning on penning a 1950s murder-mystery using only the new word and the word 'sausage'. Several major publishing houses are reported to be not interested.
Coming soon - we'll have an exclusive extract from Mr Longjohn's new novel, simply entitled 'Sausage'. And if that's not enough to wet your appetite we'll also have almost live coverage of the official unveiling ceremony and the exclusive first printing of the new word - impress your friends by being one of the first to utter it!
It's only fitting that Mr Longjohn has the final 'word' on the matter. "The irony is, of course, that I'm a mathematician dealing with numbers and it was me who discovered this word," he chirped. "You couldn't make this stuff up!"